Emotional Suicide
I didn't order this life, I didn't choose this life, and I
most definitely didn't sign up for this. The more I push back, the deeper this
concrete life sets in. I still want to cry, I still want to yell, why can't I
just accept what is and move on? The adrenaline of survival mode has now worn
off and the devastation of what happened to our little family and what we
walked through is now setting in. I dipped my toe into the lake of depression
with the loss of our boys and I knew that feeling was creeping back in. It's terrifyingly
dark yet so easy it can consume you.
I vowed to myself to fight ever falling into depression
again. I’ve seen the capabilities that has over a human’s life. Every single
one of my siblings has been suicidal at some point in their life. Starting at
such a young and vulnerable age, I’ve visited some at a medical facility and
others at the hospital. I’ve bared witness to a suicidal attempt as I begged my
sibling to stop while calling for help and I’ve been on hunts looking for my
other sibling praying to God I make it in time to find them. Life is hard and
devastation brings a pain that few are willing to walk through. I am grateful
for our support pillars in our life because without them I’m not sure if I
would’ve ever discovered how to walk through grief.
Grief is defined as the response to loss; an acute pain that
accompanies loss. It can be a strong and sometimes overwhelming emotion for
people. It can cause numerous negative effects on your body and imprison your
mind. After reading my first published blog again “Please don’t be mad,” I
realized I outlined the steps of grief through my walk. I have heard of “steps
of grief” but never knew what they were until I researched them for this very
blog post. They are outlined below as:
1. Shock; denial; isolation
2. Anger; pain
3.
Bargaining; guilt; questioning
4.
Depression
5.
Acceptance; hope; reconstruction
What I didn’t understand until literally this morning was
how it can be a cycle of steps and that’s okay. My thought process before was,
“Oh no I’m sad again, I must’ve never really worked through it.” But that’s not
true; I learned you can go through these steps at different points in your
journey at different levels. I thought if I could experience all 5 steps then I
will have made it to the finish line and all will be well in the world. Just
because I was hopeful yesterday and angry today doesn’t mean I was pushed back
10 spaces in my healing walk. I’m learning an immense amount through life
experiences. My next blog post may be completely different but that’s why I
love writing through grueling times. You can look back and see progress; you
can look back and see the light bulbs turning on. I was told to only share a
journey once you’ve made it to the other side, but I disagree. I believe the
connection comes from living it out in the moment. So that’s what I’m doing and
plan to continue. Thank you once again for following our journey and seeing
where life takes us.
