Surface Level
I want to start off by noting that my healing journey is one
of continuous healing. There is no heal it, burry it, let’s move on for me.
Just as I want to continuously evolve and grow; similarly, I want to endlessly
heal from the past, present, and whatever may come for the future. There is
always a journey to walk for each one of us and that’s the truth.
My healing may also look different from yours. For me, it’s
not just healing from a 1-time event. It’s learning to heal daily as diagnosis
for my daughter continue to roll in, or as we continue to work on daily seizure
control. But how do I do it? That’s a common question I get asked but let’s
start from the beginning.
What got me to finally seek a therapist wasn’t this epiphany
“Ah Ha” moment, it was my husband. I was well aware of the importance of mental
health from previously working at a clinic but yet I still chose to ignore my
own red flags. The arguments my husband and I would have after our daughters’
birth were not only increasing in amount but by intensity too. Until we both
reached our breaking points. The night before we had a heated argument and by late
morning the atmosphere had completely shifted. That morning at our dining table
we discussed our differences from the night before and things were not looking
good for us. It honestly felt like a mental breakdown for me but that
discussion forced me to dig deep and be honest with myself. I needed help. What
I was currently doing was not sustainable for being all I could be for Olivia.
It was not sustainable for being a good wife. Most importantly, it was not
sustainable if I wanted to continue loving and caring for myself.
My core was shaken, my peace was disrupted, and my soul was
broken when we discovered what the storm had destroyed regarding our daughters’
brain. Trying to heal on my own in my own way from that proved to not be
sufficient enough. The emotions I felt were soon masked with new ones and had
shifted and directed towards my husband. Faith was always my go to when I faced
a hard time in life but I soon found myself questioning the presentation of how
God was portrayed to me growing up. I’m so afraid to pray. I grew up in a
Christian home and was taught when life gets rough you go to God even more so.
When I prayed for God to look out for my little twin boys in my belly, they
ended up in heaven. What if I pray for God to watch over Olivia and she
disappears from my arms too? I can’t break like that again. She’s a tough baby
to handle but I can’t fathom not seeing her pamper kicking smiling face every
day. How can I heal when one of my core structures in life, my faith, isn’t
even structured?
By the end of that week, I had scheduled my very first
therapy appointment. I didn’t care about the stigma around only “crazy people”
seeking therapy or how you’re labeled “unstable” for seeking therapy. Which by
the way, both of those are false. I only cared about becoming healthy for me
and for my family. If people wanted to judge me then quite frankly, we probably
weren’t the best of friends. Although therapy has been a tremendous step
forward for me in learning different healing methods, it’s everything combined
for me that helps. From blogging, to opening up with friends and family,
therapy, faith, me time, and etc. But healing is not easy. It takes intentional
time. I’ve learned to bask in the good times to outweigh the bracing for the
next emergency times. The most important thing I’m proud of thus far on this
momma’s healing journey is taking that step back to heal with my family.
Ignoring the distractions and working to build a positive life. A life full of
hope even on our worst days.
