January 5th, exactly 1 week after my positive
pregnancy test, I was riding in the back of an ambulance again. My heart thumping,
my eyes tearing, and a lump in my throat trying to hold back the emotion to prove
to the paramedics that I got it together. Ten minutes prior, our little Olivia
was just coming out of a 40-minute cluster of seizures in our living room. It
was the first time ever we had to administer seizure rescue medication. I
quickly called 911 as her dad carefully read the directions and did what was
necessary at the 30-minute mark. Her body went limp as the firefighters assessed
her and it was a no brainer that we would once again head to Children’s Hospital.
I decided to engage in small talk with the paramedic on the way to the hospital
to help keep my nerves calm. Repetitive thoughts kept circling in my head of, “stay
calm you’re pregnant now, don’t get too emotional because you’ll lose the baby.”
But then I saw the paramedic placing the IV, and then the nasal cannula for extra
oxygen support, and at that moment I gave myself permission to just be a mom.
I needed to just love on my baby, be vulnerable with my husband,
and care for myself. I freed myself from the responsibility of advocacy. Being
an advocate for my daughter is a role I will always have but so will being her
mother. While it’s great to teach others and bring awareness, quality time with
my daughter and family are also great. So, this day I chose to be a mother and
nothing else. Tomorrow I may step back into the advocacy world, who knows? As a parent to a beautiful special needs kiddo
we quickly become therapists, neurologists, nurses, etc. for our kids to survive.
So much in that we forget we were parents first. It’s not bad to want them to
have every opportunity possible to thrive in this world, that’s natural. But
don’t forget that if all we did today was hug them, hold them, sing to them,
that is more than enough too. Riding with my daughter in the back of an
ambulance again while her father drove behind us was very triggering. But in
that I was able to realign myself to what was important. We were hoping to
never get to this point with Olivia’s seizures but were so glad to have such a
quick, responsive, and caring paramedic team along with the firefighters. There
isn’t always beauty in the ugly times, but this time there was.
Mommy's fighter
