Parenting is tough but I’m sure you already know that.
Either from experience or by hearing it from family or a friend. I was well
aware of “the differences” that could take place before having a kid. What I
didn’t factor in was the emotion that tags along with it. I am a Puerto
Rican/Filipina Pisces woman, so let’s say I have the ability to dive deep into
emotion if need be.
But when it came to
our one and only daughters’ life on the line at the time, I couldn’t do it.
When Olivia was on life support at the hospital, I not only saw you step up and
take lead, I witnessed your emotional vulnerability. My dear loving husband, seeing
you cry on the front porch in your moms’ embrace still plays through my head as
I sat merely steps away. Sitting side by side to you on the living room sofa,
listening to you open up as I sat stoic, staring straight on, refusing to move
a muscle is ingrained in my memories. We have always gone through trauma
together, but my survival mode said, “no, not this time.” I couldn’t bare
another miscarriage at a whopping 8 months pregnant. I needed to protect her,
so I didn’t dare let emotion take over. Which was partly true but let’s be
honest here, my brain just couldn’t fathom reality either. It was the first
time my soul felt separated from yours. I was a bystander watching you go
through deep sorrow and grief during the darkest time in our lives. I’m sorry I
couldn’t be present with you this time but I’m so glad you found what you
needed elsewhere to survive. But now it's my turn. My turn to feel all the
unpleasantness but I’m not scared. I know you’ll help walk me through it.
The trials we’ve both experienced with our daughter has 100%
evolved us into new human beings. It’s in the way we make decisions, looking at
all obstacles and perspectives, outweighing pros and cons, researching data for
informed decision making. It’s in the way we experience emotions, learning to
fully and presently feel despite the vulnerability that brings. It’s in the way
we argue, knowing that current issues are not as important as we thought they
used to be. We can interpret what each other is longing for whether that’s
space, quality time, sleep, or food. I’m hard on you as a parent and I see
that. I’m sorry, still working on lessening the reins. But even in those
moments when I’m upset because our baby Penelope is upset, you handle the
situation with care. I am so proud of you as a father and a husband. This love
we have for one another has matured into something so beautiful, so powerful,
and so passionate.
We lean into each other’s arms during tragedy, and
intertwined it creates a beautiful tightly woven rope. A strong rope we can
tightly grip when the waves crash over us. To be vulnerable is to be strong, to
be honest is to be strong. This relationship has been what feels like tested
and stretched thin but yet remains. Statistics are not high for a marriage that
has a disabled child. But we know that, we know that the “Magallon Odds” as we
call them, are often times not in our favor. But the daily commitment to
ourselves and to each other helps keep us accountable. We refuse to give up in
every aspect and so we will continue to ride the waves together. So, here’s to
us, celebrating our boss selves. Happy anniversary mi amor!
