It’s A Wrap

 

“My baby, no matter the outcome, you’ll always be my baby.” That’s what I told myself 3 years ago in the NICU and that’s what I continue to tell myself now. The truth of the matter is though, that didn’t stop me from continuing to search for answers and I finally got some! Back in November of 2021 I shared the status of our legal case and what that current outcome was at that time. I’ll save you the time reading it…we didn’t get far! I had gone through 5 lawyers and not one of them were confident enough to pursue a court case. Legally I now had 10 months left on my ticking time clock to make a case for my daughter in the state of Washington. Once she reaches 3 years old, that’s it. I can no longer take a case to court as her parent. I told my husband Danny, I would drop it and thank God he loves me because of course I couldn’t let it go. He supported me in continuing this journey because he knew there was an expiration date to it. There was a provider’s name brought up, a Dr. Hill, in my online support group by many parents that had reached out to him regarding their kiddos cases and received answers. He was a former lawyer, now a provider, specializing in HIE. I thought, “this is it; this will be my final attempt.” I reached out to him, followed the process, sent the records, and now awaited that hopeful phone call.

It was June 17^th, 2022 at 12:00pm when he finally called. I had my pen and paper ready for whatever information came from the other side of that phone. I knew it had to be either the OB or hospital at fault, in which my anger felt justified, or dreading that it could possibly have been myself at fault during the pregnancy, something I probably wouldn’t be able to face. So, what’s the verdict? Neither! It was unexpected news.

Dr. Hill began to state the reasons why her HIE event didn’t occur at birth due to the evidence shown on record (ok, so not the hospitals fault). Then he began to share why her HIE event couldn’t have taken place even 2 weeks before birth (ok, so not the OB’s fault). Dr. Hill then started shedding light on her MRI, MRA, and MRV taken before we left the NICU at 21 days old. It showed cystic encephalomalacia which can only be seen as early as 9-12 weeks after damage occurrence on those scans. Based on her generation of tissue being seen, he estimated the event occurring in-utero 12 weeks prior. He noted that she also had extremely small arteries, meaning she had a neuro-anatomical reason for decreased blood flow. Since blood vessels for a fetus do not actively react to pressure until they are born, the slightest change in my blood pressure could cause a big enough chain reaction. Since our blood pressure constantly goes up and down depending on daily activity, there’s no way to be able to regulate it to stay at just 1 constant number (ok, so not my fault). Now mix all that together and you’ll see that brain ischemia was built into her neuro anatomy, poor thing didn’t have a chance. Meaning this was unpreventable in-utero and there’s no way anyone could’ve determined that risk factor or catch it. It's taken some time to digest that information. We honestly spent hours on the phone discussing it and going piece by piece over all her records.

Once the conversation ended, I didn’t know how to feel. I expected and braced myself for overwhelming emotions that day, but there was no one to blame. Nothing for me to feel, it was what it was, and that was it. I was now faced to unravel the hurtful feelings I clung so tight to for the last 3 years of my life. That in itself has been a process for me. I first off owe an apology to the providers for wrongfully placing blame. Were there some mishaps that could’ve gone better? Absolutely! But not all providers are bad. I learned that they actually did an incredible work up on my daughter to gain as many answers as they could in the NICU. Olivia’s current providers have shown to be a great team for her and they don’t deserve the trauma responses I dish out. What I continue to work on now is easing myself back into trusting doctors. It’s no easy task and it’s’ taken a lot of therapy but self-growth is not an option for me, it’s a requirement. I need to show my kids that sometimes mommy messes up too and gets it wrong. I’m proud of my perseverance in gaining answers for Olivia’s case because my soul finally feels at rest. But my husband’s right, this does not change my feelings towards my daughter, and it does not change where her current progress status is at. She is my baby just like before, and she always will be. We brace for the worst and hope for the best still, but even if she never walks, even if she never says, “I love you too mommy,” back to me, I will love her just as much. Her development or lack thereof will never waiver the unconditional love I have. So, here’s to closing this past chapter and finally trudging forward!